i went to MIT, too.

today i decided to just be selfish...actually for the next 4 days i plan on being selfish.
Day 1: nails and toes did
Day 2: hair did
Day 3: soul did
Day 4: heart did

that's the plan. now...i've already completed day 1. finally got those hideous, hideous appendages called toes done. while i was waiting to get my eyebrows waxed i picked up an issue of glamour magazine and found this:

Top 10 College Women 2010: Amy Qian - MIT

now....i am anything but a hater, but damn I went to MIT, too. i'm an engineer too. and i have plenty of friends who made things or did things for all sorts of underprivileged people all over the world: exhibit A: Bestie A.

i've never gotten my shout out for donating the next two years of my sanity to 150 ungrateful 10th graders and a low paying salary. i never got photographed riding a damn bike near New Ashdown....and neither have most of my female friends....

they say this is the 30+ year that they've been doing this...why is that i don't know this girl who is apparently amazing...i think i knew the girl a few years ago. it just doesn't seem fair.

i think that if someone did a damn newspaper article about me or someone i knew that was doing the same thing as me AND i knew them, i would be a little more enthusiastic and feel a little less like giving up like i do now.

i think that recognition is what helped me through college. grades were a constant reminder of how well i was doing. my transcript was a published document of my successes. i don't have that any more. i have a principal who at the drop of a dime is ready to write someone up for not turning in their lesson plan on time and never taking the time to tell people something that they have done right.

i have never felt like i couldn't do something (didn't want to, that's a different story), but right now i feel like i can't. i always thought that MIT would be the litmus test, the thing that said whether or not i had the potential to be successful.

if i give up now, i feel like everything i've done before will be null and void. if i don't give up now, i feel like i will suffer ways emotionally i am not willing to suffer. "kids say the darn-est things" doesn't even begin to touch the emotional abuse that i suffer from these backwards minded 16 year olds. now i remember why i hated high school so much.

i just need some damn recognition. i just realized how stressed i am about being on a "professional growth plan" cause i suck. i'm kind of between denial (i don't care) and damn (i wish i didn't suck). it's a horrible place to be.

My positive self talk for today:

I am trying my best. No matter what I do I can't know what a child will say to me or anyone else tomorrow. I can't control how other people act I can only try my best to set them up for success. Every day I will put my best foot forward and realize that these kids don't know any better. I can't take things personally or let them get to me. The kids aren't worried about my feelings for better or for worse. I have to take care of myself and part of that means letting go and taking each day as it is, not getting upset, because in 2 years what happens tomorrow won't matter, my life will go on either way. I've heard worse things than any thing these kids can think to say to me. I can do this.