christmas comes....

i'm not exactly excited...
on the 21st i'll be heading home. from my mom's voice on the phone i expect her to have aged a million years from grief alone.
i talked to a counselor on wednesday....it felt strange and good to cry in the daytime with someone there.


when i see people and they ask me, "how are you?" my trained response is "I'm great!" that's how i usually am...but now i catch myself and say, "i'm ok." but i'm not.

i miss him a lot. christmas would be the time i'd be going home and him and i would go to dinner and catch a movie to make up for lost time...there's no more making up anymore...it's all lost time.

so many memories of him run through my head and everything seems to bring his face back to mine. because we look alike...i look in the mirror at myself and i see him...pretending to be me...in my dreams i hear his voice....

i can't control my emotions.
i can't control my pain.
i feel at a lost
for words
for peace.