Wishbones and [>O

my brother had this burn on his hand...a brand in the shape of a wishbone. he never gave me any specific details, but he said he got it to be a part of something....i'm not sure what it was, a bad group or a good group.

from reading my brother's poetry today, i realized that he was very lonely. no one would ever know. he was a popular teenager and a respected young man. he had a charismatic smile that was instantly charming. but he felt like he had to try to be accepted. he needed to feel accepted. i wish i could go back in time and tell him how much i admired him, and how i did a lot of the things i did because i wanted to be just like him.

even though i can't tell him that face to face. i want to show him. i want to be a part of him like he wanted to be a part of the world. to show him i'm going to get a tattoo, a small wishbone on my hand. i miss him a lot.

to stay hopeful, i have to see that he was wrong though; we don't need anyone to be happy, to live. no one but God. and for this i will not change for anyone to be with me, to comfort me, to love me. Love me for who I am, I am him and he is and was loved. Anyone who really wants to love me will and i'll know. i won't have to 2nd guess, it will show.

today my mom told me that ever since i went to boston i changed (for the worst was implied). it hurt to have her say that to me. i'm not sure why she would. i feel like i'm the same, if not better. the thing i've changed is that i've stopped hiding all the stuff i used to do and most of it i've actually stopped. if only she knew...but i can't tell her. i just have to hear her say i've changed. and it hurt.

i hope that i've become a better person. but maybe not....and i know there are some things (one thing in particular) that bothers her about the way i'm living my life....and i think about changing it and how much that would hurt me....but maybe that's what i should do....maybe she's right. i'm very confused and i feel ashamed and stubborn....i hope God has a plan for me....

i've made a lot of mistakes, done a lot of bad things in my life. but i've changed to become more comfortable with myself and less wild. i've had [>O and ran away from them and now when i want [>O its running away from me. i'm not running after it. the best offer runs after u. it may sound selfish, but its the only way i can keep my sanity and not become sadder than i already am.


so for now just wishbones...no [>O in my future....unless its from me.


cHyNa