home

i'm finally home (well almost).
i held up pretty well on the flight here. i watched UP (best movie of 2009) on the flight over, helped to distract me. i almost made it all the way without shedding a tear, but just as we approached el paso, i cried a little. no sobbing, just tears. i'm getting better.

seeing mommie was hard. i wanted to cry...but i don't think she wanted me to and i don't think i wanted to either. she's sleeping now.

she told me the autopsy said it was a gun trauma (duh) and they didn't confirm but "probably" suicide. we'd like to know for sure, but that comes with a 10,000 price tag (long story). who knew peace had a price, reminds me of a mastercard commercial.

............................................................................

a lot of the time i feel lost, confused
lethargic

i want to be alone, but i scared of being alone

i want to talk about what i feel, but all i can be is silent.

i want to cry, but i don't want people to pity me, but i need comfort....

even though people care, and people hug me and hold me and talk to me....its not enough......

i need to hear his voice, see his smile

and "all i've got is these photographs."

cHyNa