Self-employed

These past few weeks have been a little rocky. Just when I thought I had a lasting and happy relationship and leaving TFA would leave me stress-free, God decided to remind me that there were still things that I had left undone, unattended, and unloved. Now I'm sitting here wondering why I'm so confused and why things just aren't adding up or making sense.

Undone I never finished thinking about my dreams and what I wanted. I left everything up for chance and thought that love would guide me, but I forgot all about God, I forgot all about my ambitions, my independence, and my needs. So happens so did everyone else. So my future is undone (as it should be) and I'm glad. What I mean is that nothing for tomorrow is decided, not even next month, or the next second. I have full control over what happens next and I am not a victim. If someone does something to me, it's because I let them. Life is undone, I'll do it my way.

Unattended I was too busy drowning in stress from my job that I let my self become bitter and uninteresting. All I could do was think about all the bad stuff in my life that I forgot what God had given me: a mind. A beautiful mind and a beautiful smile. A good friend recently told me, "you look beautiful when you smile." And I have been thinking about that a lot lately and I realized I'd made myself a witch. I wanted to be cared for but I left the people around me unattended, uncared for. Now, if it's too late to save some of those relationships only God can say, but the ones that were meant to last are going to have their attention from now on.

Unloved I spent so much time and energy trying to figure out how to love someone else. How to please the people in my life....how to make other people happy. I forgot to love myself. I forgot to help myself recover from pain. I hear woman say all the time, "I love him so much it hurts." or at least I heard it on sex and the city. And love does hurt, just like the truth. So when we love ourselves sometimes that means making decisions that we don't want to make. Doing things that make other things more complicated. Doing things that hurt other people. I just wish for a love where the things I need to do that are commensurate with loving myself are commensurate with love for someone else. And just as importantly, that the things that someone else does is commensurate with loving me. Until then, I am going to love myself. No drastic decisions just yet, because I don't want to make rash movements. I'll always be analytical and calculated so this will take time. I won't jump to any conclusions. I'm going to collect data.


Love is work. I'm a great lover: I'm caring, I do small things, I do large things, I give when I don't have, I give up things that don't matter and I'm always there. It's time to work for myself. I always say this, but being selfish is harder for me than it is for some people. It doesn't come as easily, I enjoy seeing the people in my life smile to my own detriment, sometimes. But I'm going to work on being self-employed.

For now I'm unemployed (literally and figuratively) so I have more time to work on it. :)

Charlotte (formerly Samantha)