....

I wanted to write something fantastic, but I just can't seem to find a artistic way to say how I feel right now. Honestly, I feel shut out, neglected, and tired. Not a good mix. I feel like I'm fighting for something that's not there, that's not possible. I'm fighting alone, and maybe its my fault. Sometimes I wonder what if I went through with the plan in my head and was confident, and daring, and independent, would I be happier? Would I feel less tired, neglected, and shut out? Maybe...but who knows. I've always been afraid of the unknown...that's why I stay at this miserable job and have grown to dislike this city and just about everything about it.
I need a plan. I need confidence. I hope I can build some this summer. I need out of this rut I've spent 9 months in. I feel some people trying to pull me out and then some of the people who are suppose to say they will give me a boost, but then they aren't there.

Also, I've been thinking about time. I talked about it with my kids. Or I lectured my kids about it. Wasting time is no joke. It might seem ok, but time is limited. It's the one thing that you can't work to get back. You can get back your health if you start soon enough, you can get back your wealth if you work hard enough, you can get back just about most things if you are strategic, but there is no way to get back time....time is a gift you give to those you love, its a precious resource that builds and strengthens relationships. you should give it to those who deserve it the most. I'm realizing that. At a time in my life when I feel like I've matured so much and I am actually thinking about the people I love and my actions and the way I spend my time, I feel a little short changed. Not by everyone...only just one person. I know that love shouldn't be a tit for tat, but shouldn't it be a mutual feeling or understanding....and right now it's not. I need it to be at least that. At least sometimes...I'm becoming bitter, angry, and sad. And it makes me think that maybe my two year rule was a good one....never give the guy a chance to get tired of me...satisfied my need to be wanted to be desired...I broke my rule and now my heart is breaking and I find myself longing for that feeling I had with old loves....and if I had the strength to leave....i would, but I'm too scared of the unknown...i'm complacent and yet unsatisfied....

love has to be more than this, but i'm too weak to look for it. i'm scared to open any more love stories now that i see yet another coming to an end that is just about as sad as the others. and i don't want to end up alone....but life is too short to spend it unhappy.